So, this script is pretty late. I mean, I didn't catch the whole "Skyrim-fest" but I still wish for it to be completed. It stars an adventurer with Tourette Syndrome. Any part of the dialogue that is in ALL CAPS implies that he is "shouting" due to Tourettes. Enjoy!
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EXT. VILLAGE
(An adventurer walks into a village and becomes overwhelmed by joy.)
Adventurer: Ah, why, isn't it a lovely day! The birds sing in the trees! The towns people busily haggle and barter! And, the women...This village is full of life and shall surely prospereth!
(A dragon suddenly attacks the village.)
Adventurer: Oh, my! What beast is this?!
Male Civilian: It's a damned dragon you idiot!
Female Civilian: Adventurer! Save our village!
Adventurer: Oh, I will, fair maiden! (Turning to face the dragon) You foul beast! What chaos you have causedeth! I shall now send you into the bowels of Hell! Where you shall be defecatedeth into brimstone and flames!
(Dragon roars.)
Adventurer: Why, you don't scare me! You old fool! You shall feel the wrath of Sir Scrotus of Ickibaldia! Son of --
(Dragon strikes the adventurer.)
Adventurer: (in a childish whine) Aaaahhh!!! The pain! *sob* I'm dying! You... (hesitant pause) ...meanie!
(Dragon approaches the adventurer, but the adventurer start twitching.)
Adventurer: SH*TBALLS!
(Dragon is sent flying, Team Rocket style.)
(Civilians cheer.)
EXT. CEREMONY
(Ceremony is held in honor of the adventurer.)
King: A long time ago, the village of New Pork was once a prosperous kingdom! A Kingdom of Pork!
(Flashback to the Kingdom of Pork.)
King: But then, they came... the dragons flew overhead and rained down upon us an inferno of despair and ruin! The kingdom was destroyed and the people of Pork fled and created a new village called New Pork. But today we celebrate because a hero has reignited the hope of becoming a powerful nation once more! Oh, noble one! You have saveth this village from inevitable doom! For your valiance, you shall be rewarded this sword. The Sword of Crystal Death! It has been passed down in my family for many generations but, being gay, I do not have any heirs. So, I give it to you. Use it well my friend.
(Civilians cheer.)
Adventurer: Oh, villagers of New Pork! I feel so very humbled to be given such a gift! I swear to protect the people of New Pork from death, destruction and --BONER!
(Civilians get launched away.)
Adventurer: F*CK!
(Buildings get blown to bits.)
Adventurer: NAKED MEN!
(Flames erupt and villagers scream.)
Adventurer: Oh, what have I done! *sob* *twitch*
(The adventurer runs off into the forest, crying.)
EXT. WILDERNESS
(The adventurer looks onto the burning ruins of the village.)
Adventurer: I have sworn to protect the village of New Pork but only brought upon it destruction. I shall redeem myselfeth! I shall come backeth when I have become a Champion!
(The adventurer treks far into the wilderness, traversing through woodlands, mountain tops and dark caverns.)
Adventurer: I have traveled quiteth a ways now. I must rest.
(The adventurer sets up camp and lays down.)
(The adventurer falls asleep and begins to sleep talk.)
Adventurer: SHAT!... CHALUPA!... BROWN COW!...
EXT. WILDERNESS (NEXT DAY)
(The adventurer wakes up and is hungry.)
Adventurer: Why, I am dreadfully hungryeth!
(The adventurer hunts for food but begins to twitch.)
Adventurer: BOOBIES!
(The adventurer scares the deer he was stalking away.)
Adventurer: Damn you voice! HAZAA!
(In anger, the adventurer begins throwing a Tourette Syndrome fit and accidentally uncovers a hidden crystal monument.)
Adventurer: (Reading a plaque on the monument) 'Kingdom of Pork. He who wields death, wields hope.'
(The adventurer looks down at the Sword of Crystal Death, in puzzlement.)
(The adventurer attentively studies the monument and finds a slot to slide the sword into and does just that.)
(The ground shakes and a secret cavern opens.)
(The adventurer walks in.)
EXT. SECRET CAVERN
(The adventurer walks in and is startled by a glowing orb sitting on a pedestal.)
Orb: Welcome.
Adventurer: (Exclaims in surprise) Who goes there?!
Orb: You are here to seek your destiny.
Adventurer: Actually, I'm here to redeemeth myself and find a cure to my curse.
Orb: (Surprised) Oh. Are you sure you're not here to --
Adventurer: No, mysterious sphere, I am here to redeem myselfeth!
Orb: Oh, okay. Well, I sense you have come here to prove to yourself, a champion. Correct?
Adventurer: Why yes, yes indeed.
Orb: Then you must solve this riddle.
(Dramatic zoom on Orb.)
Orb: What is yellow, but turns brown in the sun?
A) A potato
B) An asian
C) A gold piece
D) A banana
Adventurer: (Very confused) What is a banana?
Orb: Why, that's correct! You have just won the lost treasure of Pork!
Adventurer: (Shocked) Redemption!
Orb: Congratulations!
Adventurer: What is a banana?
Orb: *chuckle* Good sir! You have already won! No need to repeat the answer now!
Adventurer: What is a banana?!
Orb: Please leave.
(The adventurer gets kicked out of the secret cavern with the large sack of gold.)
EXT. VILLAGE
(At New Pork, the village guard surveys the horizon.)
(Guard looks out into the distance and spots a black cloud approaching the village.)
Guard: (While ringing a bell) Code Black! Code Black!
Civilian: No! Black's the worst kind!
(Civilian realizes a black person is standing next to him and he edges away slowly.)
(King steps out onto the balcony.)
King: It really is them.
EXT. DRAGON FLOCK
(Dragon King roars)
EXT. WOODLANDS
(The adventurer hears two bandits talk about the New Pork siege.)
(The adventurer rushes over, kills one and holds his sword up to the throat of the other.)
Adventurer: Is this true? Is what you speak of true?
Bandit: Yes! I stole the pie off of Nanny Tucket's windowsill! Please don't kill me!
Adventurer: No! Is the siege you spoke of true?!
Bandit: Oh. Yeah, well --
(The adventurer slays the bandit with his voice.)
EXT. WOODLANDS EDGE
(The adventurer looks out onto the village from the edge of the woodlands and witnesses the villagers, enslaved, carrying food and feeding all of the dragons, while the King is handing over all his treasure to the Dragon King.)
Adventurer: I will free the people of New Pork! Even if it shall be my last adventure!
EXT. VILLAGE
(Civilian looks up to see a lone figure on a road approaching the village.)
(The lone figure comes closer and it is revealed to be the adventurer.)
Civilian: The adventurer has come back!
(All the civilians of New Pork cheer.)
(All dragons turn to stare at the adventurer.)
(The Dragon King roars.)
(All the dragons attack the adventurer.)
(The adventurer hits the crap out of the dragons with the sack of gold and kills one. Then he pulls his sword out and cuts off the head of one. The sword gets knocked out of his hand by a dragons tail. He gouges out the eyes of a dragon and jumps onto it while it blindly flies around. The other dragons chase him. The village guards assemble with bows and begin firing upon the dogfight happening in the air. Two dragons die and one arrow sinks into the knee of the adventurer. The blind dragon crashes into the ground and the adventurer tumbles off. The Dragon King kills all the guards and approaches the adventurer, the last two dragons accompanying him. The adventure starts to twitch. The dragons prepare to blast him with fire. He shouts. The shout combined with the flames cause a massive explosion which kills the rest of the dragons. The adventurer lays on the battlefield, fatally wounded. The King and all the villagers approach the adventurer.)
Adventurer: My adventuring days are over... *wheeze* Now begins the reign... *cough* of a new beginning...
EXT. VILLAGE (5 YEARS LATER)
(The kingdom is peaceful and large.)
(New adventurer walks into the kingdom.)
New Adventurer: Why, isn't it a lovely day! The birds sing sweet melodies of grace! The villagers gather in the market with vibrant energy! And the women are as fair as a graceful bronco galloping in a meadow during spring! And, --
(An arrow hits the knee of the adventurer.)
New Adventurer: Aaaargh! Owwwww!
Guard: Sorry, it just slipped out of my fingers by mistake! I'm really sorry! Really!
Random Civilian: At least you can retire and become a lowly guard now.
(The End)
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So, that's about it.
